You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
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I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled