I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
tinder is all about the long game
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……