I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’m calling the cops.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you