@Bob_Heller: I've eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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@dafloydsta: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human
@mdob11: A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
@sirmunchie: My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.