I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
for all #parents out there
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco