Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Just a bush.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me