I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
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My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL