HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
You Might Also Like
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
i love meeting boys on tinder
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I did not eat the cake…
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am