This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
So, can we agree on 4 or
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
This makes total sense…