I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.