I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.