@BatBatshitcrazy: I've got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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@Miltgen: *Job interview* "Im gonna need you to pee in this cup" *hands boss full cup* "Let's start the interview" *boss just sips it the whole time*
@Cryptoterra: someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
@AimeeHelene1: Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident... Mall Santa: Uhhh, that's not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma'am. *security drags me away* Me: *yells* Don't forget to take a picture!