I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?