I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*