[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.