I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
You Might Also Like
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*