I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Brilliant!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.