I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.