I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
tell em, edith-anne
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight