I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.