@BillPelicanBros: I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and I've been listed on a register...turns out taking candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all.
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@causticbob: I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
@GrantTanaka: [son sees me sleeping outside] son: did you call mom the n word again me: but she IS a nagger