I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
You Might Also Like
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
This will never not be funny to me.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.