I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
😏😏😏
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.