-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here