-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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Oh the world we live in…
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.