I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Why font matters.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”