He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I saw nothing
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????