@GFGander: Sucks when good bands have dumb names. "What are you listening to?" "It's Made Out of Babies, they're really great." "..."

@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@toastymoe: Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please . Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@GraceSpelman: My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

@ibid78: When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren't evidence in a murder that life's trying to frame you for.