“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Self-cleaning conscience
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.