@doctorveritas: "I've got chills. They're multiplying." "Sir, you're going into shock. Please stop narrating--" "And I'm losing control." "Sir!"
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@GFGander: Sucks when good bands have dumb names. "What are you listening to?" "It's Made Out of Babies, they're really great." "..."
@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@toastymoe: Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please . Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
@GraceSpelman: My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it