@KalvinMacleod: I've got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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@joe_binkley: Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace. Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss. Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy.
@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.