I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
You Might Also Like
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…