@KalvinMacleod: I've got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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@Smug_Lemur: Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous ME: ok [later] ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
@Derekexplosm: Hey doofus, the fashion police called. Your father died last night on duty. He wanted you to have this. "Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*