I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?