I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work