I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.