I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house