I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Always
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy