“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
There’s only one good girl here!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.