“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
You Might Also Like
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Yoga Matt
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
nature’s most graceful animal
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.