I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You Might Also Like
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
sugar glider wrangler
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
For cardio I live beyond my means.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
fair