I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
This dude got his own movie?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.