I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
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When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon