@shutupmikeginn: I've had 6 cups of coffee and am about to shave my pet cactus
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@EndhooS: Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A's…[slides envelope] Teacher: Is this what I think it is? Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
@long_pussy_lips: Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls