Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
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Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Lmao 🤣
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
*updates tinder bio*
Saw online –
me after drinking all the wine:
Straight people are cancelled
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.