[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
You Might Also Like
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.