I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.