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I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
this is 10/10 content no notes
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Strange
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death