I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My dog learned how to text
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head