I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Waiting for the Charmin
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???