I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
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When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Goodnight 🐶
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
meow
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch