I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul