I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Dance like you’re not the father
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back