I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
You Might Also Like
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I just tested negative for patience.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
grotesque if literal: baby food
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes