I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I think about this a lot
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit