I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
BETRAYAL
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.