I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.