Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
meanwhile over on facebook
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.