@PaulShakeySharp: Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It's called 'We're poor because of you'.
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@rodimusprime: Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson's family is off limits.
@GrowlyGrego: [at Eminem show] Cuz I am / whatever you say I am / [from crowd] "Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!" The shapeshifting continues for hours.
@peachesanscream: What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
@KeetPotato: [at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]