I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Who called it cremation and not ashashination